carrying on.

My grandma always told me that when people love each other they want to spend all their time together.  Her statement sounded a bit obsessive to independent me and usually resulted in a bit of an eyeroll.  I didn't want to to feel like I had to do everything with the person I was with.  It was too needy.  Besides, very often the people I dated weren't too keen to spend heaps of time with me either, so it evened out.  In some ways life was a bit lonely, but in time it gave me the opportunity to grow as I learned how to be okay with going out to events on my own.

Then Seth came along and changed everything.  We had been friends and workmates for ages so it was easy to start spending all of our time together.  He knew me well and was hesitant at times, worried that perhaps I was doing what I thought he wanted and ignoring my own needs, but I genuinely wanted to spend time with him.  All these years later I still want to spend time with him; his presence has yet to annoy or tire me.

Now of course since we've been together in a romantic sense we have spent time apart.  I have left for short weekend stints and longer conferences abroad.  He, however, has never left me home alone to carry on, until this past week.

He was given the opportunity to speak at a conference in the United States and it became my turn to be left behind.  It's a lot easier to be the one going away because you are going to spend most your time too busy to think about much of anything that isn't directly in front of you, staying at home everything stays the same except a very noticeable absence of your partner.  Nonetheless, he has done it for me multiple times, so I could do it for him

The first few days were the worst.  I was convinced I was going to starve to the brink of death before a sea of dirty dishes finished me off.  I feared I had become far too dependent on this other person to help take care of me, that I had forgotten how to do these things for myself.  Then on Monday I straightened myself out, I restocked the fridge and realised, yes, I could still operate an oven.  I also picked up the house a bit which is always an instant mood lifter.  I was surprised to find that Seth's absence wasn't the end of the world.

In some ways, on the third day, life went back to pre-Sethiness. I had the opportunity to visit with friends on my own which was pretty cool. Sometimes when you go out with a person you feel incredibly close to its easier to avoid talking to others. You become less approachable. I was still pretty awkward Jess, but I think I put myself out there a bit more than if I had attended with another person.

After I recovered from the first few days of lethargy I actually became much more productive in my work. Not having anyone to talk to in the evenings and during lunch meant I could just keep working and the thought that I had to get things done before he returned made me work better!

Over the past week I have discovered that I don't need Seth to survive, however, I have also realised that I do want him.  On multiple occasions I found myself reaching for my phone to send him a text or I would notice it was nearly the time when he usually comes home for lunch and my heart would let out a small flutter of excitement before being extinguished.

I can survive without Seth, but boy am I thankful I don't have to do it forever.
I like having him as a partner to share my life with.