some days.
Some days are just harder than others... today is some day. The applications for my position have been trickling in and I get to see each resume (and LinkedIn, and Twitter, and Facebook, because I'm a stalker like that) of every person who could potentially be the next me.
It is hard. Part of me is sad because it is going to be so difficult leaving this department that I feel I have worked so hard to perfect. Though I won't even make it to my second year anniversary in this position, I have been a part of the Youth Media Program for five years. There are lots of things that drive me insane about various part of the job, but it's a position that I fought to have for three years. I remember tears very similar to the ones I am crying now, but back then it was because I was afraid that my boss would never promote me from a Teaching Assistant to a Teaching Artist, but over time she did and everything was okay with the world.
The other part of me is struggling because, as I see all these perfectly worded resumes and shiny websites, I am gripped with fear, the fear of re-entering the job hunt, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not having a job waiting for me in my new home. As of right now I'm not even sure if I will be granted a working visa and even if I do, that is not a guarantee of work. I know that I have experience many organizations desire, but it doesn't always come through on my CV. Aside from my degree in Film and Video Production, everything else I know from seeking out the skill. I have no formal training in teaching or video game design and I have been so busy helping children create their own work that I have no portfolio of my own. The uncertainty is frightening.
So much of who I am is defined by my job. When people ask me what's new or how I am doing, I always tell them about work. People rarely hear about my relationships, my home life, my hobbies. It's always work. Perhaps being jobless for awhile will be a blessing, it will give me time to further my skills and create a portfolio. But aside from that, perhaps it will provide me with the opportunity to define me for who I am and not what I do for a living.
It is hard. Part of me is sad because it is going to be so difficult leaving this department that I feel I have worked so hard to perfect. Though I won't even make it to my second year anniversary in this position, I have been a part of the Youth Media Program for five years. There are lots of things that drive me insane about various part of the job, but it's a position that I fought to have for three years. I remember tears very similar to the ones I am crying now, but back then it was because I was afraid that my boss would never promote me from a Teaching Assistant to a Teaching Artist, but over time she did and everything was okay with the world.
The other part of me is struggling because, as I see all these perfectly worded resumes and shiny websites, I am gripped with fear, the fear of re-entering the job hunt, the fear of not being good enough, the fear of not having a job waiting for me in my new home. As of right now I'm not even sure if I will be granted a working visa and even if I do, that is not a guarantee of work. I know that I have experience many organizations desire, but it doesn't always come through on my CV. Aside from my degree in Film and Video Production, everything else I know from seeking out the skill. I have no formal training in teaching or video game design and I have been so busy helping children create their own work that I have no portfolio of my own. The uncertainty is frightening.
So much of who I am is defined by my job. When people ask me what's new or how I am doing, I always tell them about work. People rarely hear about my relationships, my home life, my hobbies. It's always work. Perhaps being jobless for awhile will be a blessing, it will give me time to further my skills and create a portfolio. But aside from that, perhaps it will provide me with the opportunity to define me for who I am and not what I do for a living.
